She stood at the bar, one hand splayed on the counter, every inch of her soul desperately wishing to be anywhere but there. She tapped the credit card in her hand against the cheap plywood that had been repainted two too many times in a combination of meaningless morse code and random musicality. This would be a quiet night. The snow would inspire people to stay home, order Chinese delivery, and fuck to stave off the cold and boredom. In nine months there would be a minor bump at the area maternity wards. In thirty years the screwed up kids of their good enough parents would tell their shrinks that they were conceived during a December snow storm that wasn’t big enough to merit a fancy name like “Blizzard Tuwanda” but enough that their mother and father tried to save their failing marriage with a night of false passion and failed birth control.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
|Shakey Shake, Aloe Juice, salad|
Anyway, here is a picture of what my average lunch these days looks like, about half the time sub the salad with a cup of soup. I am really digging the aloe vera juice drinks, although I am sure I could get a much more natural product than good old OKF from the ethnic market on the way home from work, but I like the little aloe gel chunks which you can't get from the concentrate, so for now I stick with these :-) I don't know if they are actually helping my stomach or not, but I haven't had much pain or any heartburn since starting on them so let's say yes to give me an excuse to keep buying them!
|All the pills, in mah face!|
|I've been told I'm quite nutty before!|
|All the nuts hold hands and sing Kumbaya|
I also found myself in one of those sad places last night. You know the place, where you don't really want to be out but you don't want to be home alone either but you are anyway. Then the negative voices in your head start making up stories about why you are alone that almost always end up making you just feel like crap about yourself and oddly angry for no reason at the people you love even though it's not their fault that your inner demons are lying little bastards! Yeah, one of those nights. A night best for curling up and watching Youtube videos of old Tony Awards performances, so that's what I did. And I feel better today, not at 100% yet because I let those awful voices shake me up so much, but it reminded me of how much more is out there to be passionate about, how much is real, how much I love something bigger than myself in the arts, and I am moving forward from there. So Viva La Vie Boheme my friends!
|VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!!!!|
Monday, October 28, 2013
|Dolly Parton knows what's up|
|Call them "Rustic" - they are still delicious!|
|Fry 'em up!! Om nom nom|
|The Art of Pathetic|
|A new haircut and a can-do attitude!|
Friday, October 25, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
- I finished my degree in North Carolina, worked in professional summer stock in Virginia and Indiana, spent a year in Orlando, FL as a stage management apprentice at Orlando Shakespeare Theater, floated around like a gypsy for a couple of months, and then got the chance of a lifetime to finally move to NYC and I have been here a little over a month now!
- I am now living in Astoria, Queens with my dog, a whole new group of friends, a job as an administrator in a hospital that I love, and Assistant Directing a show at night while trying to figure out just how big of a role theatre is going to play in my life and how to balance it with everything else going on.
- I have gained weight…a pretty good chunk of weight. I don’t feel wonderful (although I don’t feel awful either) but all the walking and squeezing through turnstiles and onto small subway and bus and theatre seats has really hit home how much weight I have gained and I don’t like the way it makes my life that much more difficult.
- I am CRAZY busy! Like, leave the house at 8am return at 7pm, leave again at 7:30pm and return finally at 2am. I have spent SO MUCH FREAKING MONEY on takeout it makes me shed a little tear at all the lost savings and travel opportunities I have pumped into Seamless in the last month and a half (For those who don’t live in NYC, Seamless is this AMAZING website that you can save your address and credit card info and order from dozens of restaurants in your area with a click of a mouse, including Sushi, Thai, Italian, Indian, Rotisserie Chicken, and Cold Stone Creamery…yeah, I didn't need to know that one). I can literally count on one hand the number of meals I have cooked in my kitchen since I moved and it isn't good for my sensitive stomach or tender pocketbook.
- My kitchen is miniature…as in, studio apartment style miniature with not even enough counter space for a drying rack for the dishes - You do them, you dry them, the end! It also has a smaller sized oven and fridge, and very limited cabinet space so my standard tricks of mass bulk buying and cooking are NOT going to work here.
- I love myself and I am happy with myself at any size – it has taken a long time to get here, but I am focused on living my life NOW and not waiting for some magical number on a scale or on a clothing tag to give me permission to travel, eat, love, be happy, etc. This program for me is a combination of wanting to get physically more comfortable while interacting with my environment, saving some money and saving some time in my busy schedule.
- I refuse to suffer or exist in a constant state of deprivation and martyrdom. If I am hungry I will put food in my face! If I choose not to do 2 shakes/1 meal one day then I damn well won’t! I am wanting to make sure I am paying attention to my body cues, so I am not going to just down a shake in addition to a meal (hello pointless waste of money!), but if I am hungry and it is still 2 hours to lunch I will make myself that oatmeal, or eat a handful of nuts, or a piece of fruit. I will drink my alcohol of choice in moderation (which for me is usually 1-3 craft beers or glasses of wine in a week unless I go out and then that shrinks to “in a night” :-P) and when it is time for my real food meal I am going to eat what I want and not make it all crazy steamed, sauce-on-the-side, no carb, Paleo, weighed portion diet food. I know how to eat healthy, I make general good choices, and I will continue to do so without making that the focus of my life to the detriment of all other intelligent thought in my brain. I live in NYC, one of the greatest food city in the world, and I am a consummate foodie and cook. Food brings me great joy, both the preparation and appreciation of it. I am not giving that up on the hopes that I might shrink my physical being a bit faster – at what cost to my emotional well being?
- I will focus on how my body feels through this whole process, and make sure to nurture it in the best ways possible. Eating what I need, but not overdoing it. Paying attention to my stomach and digestive health, bumping up my fruits and veggies, walking to and from the train more than I catch the bus, trying (trying oh so hard!) to get enough sleep, etc. Making sure I am physically and emotionally being taken care of, and then also helping to disentangle those feelings of nurturing from being tied to food so that I can appreciate it without letting it ruin me.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
I am homeless right now... Well, that is not accurate. I am without my own permanent residence right now. I am floating between friends and family, vacationing, visiting, couch surfing, living life and just existing without the pressure (or security) of an upcoming contract or rent to pay. It is a surreal feeling knowing that your life exists just for this moment, with no solid plans to come and no commitments other than a 2 week plane ticket to the west coast in your future. Options are limitless, possibilities are limitless, and if allowed to creep in... Fears can also be limitless.
Right now I am sitting on a park bench in Union Square in NYC. The weather, in a word, perfect...Cup of homemade mint lemonade in hand...Imagining all the people also currently luxuriating in this amazing city summer day, people I admire, people I'm friends with, people who will shape my future and I don't even know yet. Thoughts of the future on my mind (while thoughts of my dwindling savings account keep trying to creep in and I chase them away, plenty of time for that later!) What is it about this city that gives people tacit permission to be so fully themselves? Is it just because there is so much going on that even if you are unique you can take comfort that you are definitely not going to be the only one? I also know something else deep in my soul - I've spent 12 years trying to get here, I don't want to leave it behind now!
I moved out of the Pacific NW in 2001, drove across the country to Rutgers University with the idea that, "NJ is almost like New York! All I have to do is be here a couple years and then I will be in NYC in no time." Anyone from New York OR NJ will be more than happy to tell you that they are definitely not almost alike, and I never did make it to NYC. I made it to Philly, North Carolina, Virginia, Indiana, and Orlando, but never to NYC for longer than an evening. I definitely never experienced it as a resident like I have in the past week.
Now I'm called to finally realize my dream and become a part of this amazing place - The cultural capital of the United States, the seat of theatre and music and activity... It hums all night and seethes all say and I feel my cells vibrating at a higher frequency just from being here. Everything else has been a substitute, a way of trying to bring a piece of NYC living to wherever I was at the time, and I never even knew it until now. I have spent the last 3 years building a community of artistic friends and chosen family, they all keep congregating in New York - it's time for me to come home!