Things that make you go..........meh

Yesterday was the day of shakes that just should have been tastier.  Everything was lined up right, it all seemed so perfect!  Blendy Shake was a harvest medley of pumpkin, apples, cinnamon, yogurt, vanilla Formula 1 and spinach.  It was supposed to be happy, and comforting, and gently delicious.  Instead it was........boring, bland, chewy (from the apple skins) and kind of gritty.  Oh well, whatever...I drank it anyway and because of all the good stuff it was at least very filling.  So then I have lunch to look forward to!  It's going to be amazing!  I thawed berries overnight, yogurt, an egg, chocolate Formula 1, all Shakey Shaked up aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.........................boring.  FYI - blender cups are great and all, but that little whisk ball definitely does not break up berries very well.  It wasn't very sweet, had almost no berry flavor, ended up just eating the berries with a spoon out of the bottom of the cup when I was done.  All around just a sad collection of smoothie misses.  Not failures because they weren't undrinkable, just a distinct and significant aftertaste of "meh".

Shakey Shake, Aloe Juice, salad

Anyway, here is a picture of what my average lunch these days looks like, about half the time sub the salad with a cup of soup.  I am really digging the aloe vera juice drinks, although I am sure I could get a much more natural product than good old OKF from the ethnic market on the way home from work, but I like the little aloe gel chunks which you can't get from the concentrate, so for now I stick with these :-) I don't know if they are actually helping my stomach or not, but I haven't had much pain or any heartburn since starting on them so let's say yes to give me an excuse to keep buying them!

All the pills, in mah face!

I guess now is a good time to show a couple of the other things I am putting in my face these days.  These are my morning pills (in my pretty little bowl I have at work...multipurpose, mornings for pills and afternoons for portioning out a snack of mixed nuts!)  Wild Salmon Oil tablets from Trader Joe's, and my multivitamin and cell enhancer from Herbalife, and a few Advil this morning for good measure

I've been told I'm quite nutty before!

And here are the nuts that I am snacking on these days.  This really tasty blend from Lebanon with peanuts, pistachios, cashews, pumpkin seeds, hazelnuts, chickpeas and almonds.  Seriously, this is why I love my neighborhood in NYC, because the grocery store caters to so many different ethnicities you can find authentic stuff from pretty much anywhere in the world on their very crowded shelves.  You can even buy a whole goat...I'm not kidding, it just hangs there in the window at the meat counter.  It is crazy and glorious and so unexpected for an American market which just makes it even better!  Anyway, I also have a bag of plain old peanuts from Trader Joe's and Roasted Almonds.  I mix them all together and it makes for an interesting (and slightly less expensive) mixed nut combo.  A handful of these with a cup of herbal tea is my standard mid-morning and/or mid-afternoon snackum these days.

All the nuts hold hands and sing Kumbaya

I also found myself in one of those sad places last night.  You know the place, where you don't really want to be out but you don't want to be home alone either but you are anyway.  Then the negative voices in your head start making up stories about why you are alone that almost always end up making you just feel like crap about yourself and oddly angry for no reason at the people you love even though it's not their fault that your inner demons are lying little bastards!  Yeah, one of those nights.  A night best for curling up and watching Youtube videos of old Tony Awards performances, so that's what I did.  And I feel better today, not at 100% yet because I let those awful voices shake me up so much, but it reminded me of how much more is out there to be passionate about, how much is real, how much I love something bigger than myself in the arts, and I am moving forward from there.  So Viva La Vie Boheme my friends!

VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!!!!

A Note on Fat Shaming and Stigma

I read this article on New York Times today and after reading through all 14 pages of comments, many of which were incredibly cruel, hurtful and the epitome of what the article was trying to speak AGAINST I felt compelled to post a comment with my own experience and thoughts. And because I feel like the subject of size, weight, fat, and the shaming and hiding that so often comes with that isn't talked about enough, I felt compelled to share it here. Somehow weight has become the last acceptable prejudice, and even if it isn't always spoken about openly I think it is important for people to hear opinions and truths beyond just the "what diet I'm on now" talk. Take it or leave it.

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I read through all the comments posted so far, as painful as it was. I would probably fit into what some of these cruel commenters would term a "fattie". I lost weight on occasion, but it never stayed off and I was being taunted as young as preschool for my weight (even though when I look back on pictures I was solid, but certainly not fat) I take after my father, strong build, linebacker shoulders, broad hips.

Do I eat to much? Yes...without a doubt. I have also dealt with intense enotional issues through my life since I was in preschool that I believe I have dealt with through food, through gaining weight to create a protective shield around me. When I did lose the most weight I was 19 and in an emotionally absuive relationship with a man who would taunt me for my weight and punish me if I didn't continue to exercise and lose weight at a rate he felt was appropriate. When we broke up I was 175 lbs, a size 12, the smallest I had ever been in my life, and miserable beyond belief. I started eating and stopped exercising again as my own ridiculous way to "pay him back" for the pain he caused me. I regained the 100 lbs. I lost in a matter of 2 years.

But guess what...I was also dating someone after this who would stop and get double quarter pounder meals from McD's on the way home from work as an afternoon SNACK before coming home to eat dinner, would eat 2-3 candy bars every afternoon, drink 2 liters of soda on a regular basis, eat a whole package of Oreo's at night, and never gained weight and stayed what you might term a "healthy" weight, while I would diet like crazy, trying to avoid the temptation of these foods in the house, and be LUCKY to lose 5 lbs. in a month. I trained for a year, running 15-20 miles a week, eating healthy, exercising twice a week with a personal trainer, ran a half marathon, and I still never got below 250 lbs. So yes, I truly do believe some people are genetically more disposed to lose or gain weight than others.

My big question - why is obesity SUCH a massive issue in the last 30 years? Have we as a society suddenly become lazy, gluttonous. depraved people who lack moral character and willpower as a whole? Or is there something bigger going on? It isn't safe or feasible to walk or ride bikes places anymore thanks to poor city and suburban planning. Food manufacturers continue to find new ways to cram more calories into the foods we eat and make us want/need to eat more. Our foods are more often becoming products of chemistry rather than products of natural farming leaving our bodies dissatisfied and craving more. We are working longer and longer hours, without breaks to go move, without needing to be as active to complete our jobs, without the support to go workout on our lunch breaks (if we get them). And yet the societal fat shaming increases at the same time that same society is making it less and less natural to be slim.

Sounds like we need a full shift in thinking, priorities and actions! That includes stopping with this false moral superiority over those who you deem to be less worthy than you, based on class, size, gender, or whatever you find the most offensive. And it also includes holding our food manufacturers responsible to end their manipulation of our food supply. And yes, it also includes making time to move and be active a priority, within our families, our jobs, and our society as a whole. It also means being accepting and loving of others instead of taking your own insecurities out on those around you.

BTW - I ran 3 miles this morning, ate organic oatmeal for breakfast, homemade chicken soup and roasted veggies for lunch, haven't had fast food in probably a month or more...doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone who didn't exercise or who ate McDonald's for lunch. And I still weigh 250 lbs. Maybe after 29 years my body is just comfortable there, maybe someday I will lose weight again, maybe I won't. That also doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else.

Stuff N' Nonsense

So I don't have a ton of updates - just kind of a random jumbling of thoughts health/food/living related that I thought I would share. I am about to go into tech week for the show I am currently Assistant Stage Managing so my schedule is going crazy yet again. Hasn't left as much time for cooking as I would like, so I am still trying to get things as put together on the weekends as possible because Monday - Thursday (and this week Monday - the following Saturday, yes, almost 2 weeks) I am at class/work/rehearsal from 8am - 9pm or later. So, here are where things are in the Shakespearean Tomato world at the moment:

1) I am the master of food stretching! I made a 2 lb. roast with carrots and potatoes last weekend in my crockpot and ate about 3/4 of it for dinners over the course of the week. So this weekend I took the remaining roast and veggies, added some kale, water, pasta and extra seasonings and turned it into an amazing beef veggie stew/soup that I got another 4 meals out of (currently in my freezer awaiting lunches for the week.) So basically, that one roast, 1/3 bag of potatoes, and 1 bag of too old to eat fresh baby carrots is going to feed me for almost 2 weeks. Not too shabby I would say!

2) In relation to the item above - part of me is feeling guilty that I am still eating on this grocery store meat that is still in my freezer. As I have said in previous posts, I have decided to go vegetarian but for economical reasons I just can't justify not eating the food that I already have in my house. Of course, being such a good food stretcher that single roast, 1 lb of ground beef and 4 chicken leg quarters will probably last me a month or more. That means another month of eating food that I don't think is particularly healthy for me, but financially it means another month of EATING which is always good. So I am trying to remember that valuable recovery phrase "Progress, not perfection!" Because honestly, even if I am still eating meat at the moment, averaging out to 1 lb. of beef per week for myself really isn't that terrible. And once it is gone, no more will be coming in!

3) Evidently I have crazy healthy hair that is THRIVING under this No Shampoo routine! I haven't used shampoo on my hair in over a week, just doing a nice, warm water rinse with a good scalp massage every morning in the shower to loosen up and get rid of any dirt or grime. My hair looks fantastic, I haven't had to use ANY product in it at all, it is holding a style better than it EVER has in my life, and that whole "dipped in a jar of oil" look that a lot of the blogs warned about for the first few weeks hasn't happened AT ALL for me. I am thrilled. I will still put together the baking soda and vinegar rinse and maybe start doing that once a week, but I feel like any more than that would be overkill because my hair is just doing great on its own.

4) I had planned on beginning the Couch to 5K routine again last week and I just ended up busy tackling other things to do with school and life and it didn't happen. But we were watching a video in my Nutrition, Fitness & Wellness class today that followed a group of fairly sedentary people of all ages as they trained for the Boston Marathon with the Nova tv channel. And honestly, it got my toes twitching to get out running again. I remember how good I felt when I was running every day and training for the half marathon. I just had so much energy, slept well, felt strong, and when I did the half marathon it was such a HUGE accomplishment. I miss that...I miss having a goal to work for and train for like that. I am going to start again, at least with Couch to 5K and then take it from there, see how I feel and time-wise what I feel like committing to again. But If I can just pack my clothes and plan on running for 1/2 hour every Tuesday and Thursday morning in between classes, running longer one day on the weekends, and adding in some resistance training 2-3 days a week for 15 minutes in the evenings before bed I just feel like I will feel SO much better. What do you think? Can I plan on starting this tomorrow? It means laying out my exercise clothes tonight and having everything ready. I bet I can do it!

Where I am Going and Where I Have Been

So since I have stated these lofty goals of becoming a healthier person, losing weight, getting in shape, I figure I should let you know a little more about what that means to me in my life.

Awwwww...wasn't I cute?

I have never been what you would call a small person. I was a big baby (over 9 lbs at birth), a chubby kid, a plump adolescent, and I became downright obese in high school. By my junior year of high school I was a size 24, pushing 250 lbs and, with most of my meals consisting of fast food and vending machine candy, not exactly a shining paragon of health! So that summer my mom and I joined a local weight loss program and I for once really, totally and utterly committed myself to it. I was logging everything I ate, cooking with absolutely no oils or fats, taking my lunch everyday, avoiding all drive throughs, and waking up to do an hour of Tae-Bo every morning (and this is when Tae-Bo was still brand new). I was IN SHAPE! Like, running, lifting weights, energy, down to 175 lbs. and a size 12 and feeling like I could kick some ass SHAPE! I thought this was it, I was going to get to goal and I would never be the fat kid again. Then something happened...

...College. Yes, I went to college and everything conspired against me (including myself) to give up this healthy lifestyle. My bike was stolen so I couldn't ride anymore, the cafeteria was FILLED with all you can eat junk food, my roommates thought exercise was a dirty word so I stopped working out, suddenly mac and cheese and peach schnapps seemed like a PERFECTLY reasonable dinner, and all the weight I had lost and more began to creeeeeep back on. Over the last 10 years I have yo-yoed a bit, but primarily just worked my way back up to that high school size and an even higher weight.

Don't get me wrong, I have had my spurts of exercise and health! In 2008 I went from being a

couch potato to training for and running the Philadelphia Half Marathon. I worked out with a personal trainer and lost about 30 lbs. and gained a ton of muscle in 2009. I have done weight watchers for various lengths of time and success over the past 7 years. But really, nothing has stuck and I am at my highest adult weight and size right now, and worse feeling so very out of shape that a mile bike ride to school has me winded and gasping for breath. I am no longer willing to just resign myself to a life of ill health and poorly fitting clothes!

After having said all that, I also need to make it clear that I am a firm believer that you need to love yourself and love your body at any size. If you are just miserable all the time and hate your body, why would you want to be kind to yourself by offering it healthy and delicious food? Why would you want to exercise and move a body you loathe? All that does is set you up for frustration when things don't go exactly as you want, and ultimately anger when you lose the weight and find that being a skinnier person doesn't make you a happier or different person, it just makes you the same person who takes up less room. I do love myself most of the time...I love my body for what it DOES not hate it for what it DOESN'T do. I may be huffing and puffing on my bike, but I still have 2 strong legs to ride it. I may walk a lot slower and have to take more breaks when hiking, but I am still out there relatively pain free and loving the outdoors. I may have to learn to eat healthier and smaller portions, but I have no allergies and I love all types of food from all over the world (including some of the stuff other people find weird!).

When I look in the mirror I tell myself that I am a beautiful, intelligent, passionate and amazing woman who is pursuing the things that make me happy! I am making the changes in my life to improve my health, but losing 150 lbs. won't make me a better or happier person, I am doing that now simply by living my best life. Size is just a number - Friends, family, doing the things you love, that is what makes you a happy and well-rounded person.