Things that make you go..........meh

Yesterday was the day of shakes that just should have been tastier.  Everything was lined up right, it all seemed so perfect!  Blendy Shake was a harvest medley of pumpkin, apples, cinnamon, yogurt, vanilla Formula 1 and spinach.  It was supposed to be happy, and comforting, and gently delicious.  Instead it was........boring, bland, chewy (from the apple skins) and kind of gritty.  Oh well, whatever...I drank it anyway and because of all the good stuff it was at least very filling.  So then I have lunch to look forward to!  It's going to be amazing!  I thawed berries overnight, yogurt, an egg, chocolate Formula 1, all Shakey Shaked up aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.........................boring.  FYI - blender cups are great and all, but that little whisk ball definitely does not break up berries very well.  It wasn't very sweet, had almost no berry flavor, ended up just eating the berries with a spoon out of the bottom of the cup when I was done.  All around just a sad collection of smoothie misses.  Not failures because they weren't undrinkable, just a distinct and significant aftertaste of "meh".

Shakey Shake, Aloe Juice, salad

Anyway, here is a picture of what my average lunch these days looks like, about half the time sub the salad with a cup of soup.  I am really digging the aloe vera juice drinks, although I am sure I could get a much more natural product than good old OKF from the ethnic market on the way home from work, but I like the little aloe gel chunks which you can't get from the concentrate, so for now I stick with these :-) I don't know if they are actually helping my stomach or not, but I haven't had much pain or any heartburn since starting on them so let's say yes to give me an excuse to keep buying them!

All the pills, in mah face!

I guess now is a good time to show a couple of the other things I am putting in my face these days.  These are my morning pills (in my pretty little bowl I have at work...multipurpose, mornings for pills and afternoons for portioning out a snack of mixed nuts!)  Wild Salmon Oil tablets from Trader Joe's, and my multivitamin and cell enhancer from Herbalife, and a few Advil this morning for good measure

I've been told I'm quite nutty before!

And here are the nuts that I am snacking on these days.  This really tasty blend from Lebanon with peanuts, pistachios, cashews, pumpkin seeds, hazelnuts, chickpeas and almonds.  Seriously, this is why I love my neighborhood in NYC, because the grocery store caters to so many different ethnicities you can find authentic stuff from pretty much anywhere in the world on their very crowded shelves.  You can even buy a whole goat...I'm not kidding, it just hangs there in the window at the meat counter.  It is crazy and glorious and so unexpected for an American market which just makes it even better!  Anyway, I also have a bag of plain old peanuts from Trader Joe's and Roasted Almonds.  I mix them all together and it makes for an interesting (and slightly less expensive) mixed nut combo.  A handful of these with a cup of herbal tea is my standard mid-morning and/or mid-afternoon snackum these days.

All the nuts hold hands and sing Kumbaya

I also found myself in one of those sad places last night.  You know the place, where you don't really want to be out but you don't want to be home alone either but you are anyway.  Then the negative voices in your head start making up stories about why you are alone that almost always end up making you just feel like crap about yourself and oddly angry for no reason at the people you love even though it's not their fault that your inner demons are lying little bastards!  Yeah, one of those nights.  A night best for curling up and watching Youtube videos of old Tony Awards performances, so that's what I did.  And I feel better today, not at 100% yet because I let those awful voices shake me up so much, but it reminded me of how much more is out there to be passionate about, how much is real, how much I love something bigger than myself in the arts, and I am moving forward from there.  So Viva La Vie Boheme my friends!

VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!!!!

A Note on Fat Shaming and Stigma

I read this article on New York Times today and after reading through all 14 pages of comments, many of which were incredibly cruel, hurtful and the epitome of what the article was trying to speak AGAINST I felt compelled to post a comment with my own experience and thoughts. And because I feel like the subject of size, weight, fat, and the shaming and hiding that so often comes with that isn't talked about enough, I felt compelled to share it here. Somehow weight has become the last acceptable prejudice, and even if it isn't always spoken about openly I think it is important for people to hear opinions and truths beyond just the "what diet I'm on now" talk. Take it or leave it.

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I read through all the comments posted so far, as painful as it was. I would probably fit into what some of these cruel commenters would term a "fattie". I lost weight on occasion, but it never stayed off and I was being taunted as young as preschool for my weight (even though when I look back on pictures I was solid, but certainly not fat) I take after my father, strong build, linebacker shoulders, broad hips.

Do I eat to much? Yes...without a doubt. I have also dealt with intense enotional issues through my life since I was in preschool that I believe I have dealt with through food, through gaining weight to create a protective shield around me. When I did lose the most weight I was 19 and in an emotionally absuive relationship with a man who would taunt me for my weight and punish me if I didn't continue to exercise and lose weight at a rate he felt was appropriate. When we broke up I was 175 lbs, a size 12, the smallest I had ever been in my life, and miserable beyond belief. I started eating and stopped exercising again as my own ridiculous way to "pay him back" for the pain he caused me. I regained the 100 lbs. I lost in a matter of 2 years.

But guess what...I was also dating someone after this who would stop and get double quarter pounder meals from McD's on the way home from work as an afternoon SNACK before coming home to eat dinner, would eat 2-3 candy bars every afternoon, drink 2 liters of soda on a regular basis, eat a whole package of Oreo's at night, and never gained weight and stayed what you might term a "healthy" weight, while I would diet like crazy, trying to avoid the temptation of these foods in the house, and be LUCKY to lose 5 lbs. in a month. I trained for a year, running 15-20 miles a week, eating healthy, exercising twice a week with a personal trainer, ran a half marathon, and I still never got below 250 lbs. So yes, I truly do believe some people are genetically more disposed to lose or gain weight than others.

My big question - why is obesity SUCH a massive issue in the last 30 years? Have we as a society suddenly become lazy, gluttonous. depraved people who lack moral character and willpower as a whole? Or is there something bigger going on? It isn't safe or feasible to walk or ride bikes places anymore thanks to poor city and suburban planning. Food manufacturers continue to find new ways to cram more calories into the foods we eat and make us want/need to eat more. Our foods are more often becoming products of chemistry rather than products of natural farming leaving our bodies dissatisfied and craving more. We are working longer and longer hours, without breaks to go move, without needing to be as active to complete our jobs, without the support to go workout on our lunch breaks (if we get them). And yet the societal fat shaming increases at the same time that same society is making it less and less natural to be slim.

Sounds like we need a full shift in thinking, priorities and actions! That includes stopping with this false moral superiority over those who you deem to be less worthy than you, based on class, size, gender, or whatever you find the most offensive. And it also includes holding our food manufacturers responsible to end their manipulation of our food supply. And yes, it also includes making time to move and be active a priority, within our families, our jobs, and our society as a whole. It also means being accepting and loving of others instead of taking your own insecurities out on those around you.

BTW - I ran 3 miles this morning, ate organic oatmeal for breakfast, homemade chicken soup and roasted veggies for lunch, haven't had fast food in probably a month or more...doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone who didn't exercise or who ate McDonald's for lunch. And I still weigh 250 lbs. Maybe after 29 years my body is just comfortable there, maybe someday I will lose weight again, maybe I won't. That also doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else.

Welcome to 2011

So I haven't posted in a little while, not because I wasn't cooking and eating and such, but I think I was just getting a little mopey and tired of being alone in my place and didn't want my blog to turn into a massive whining session :-) But today I am back at work, I have meetings scheduled with professors this week to get ready for classes, and school starts again on Monday! I am actually super excited about this because I feel like the semester is just filled with creative stuff happening. First semester back was to kind of ease into the habit of being a full time student again, this semester is to blow the lid off!! *Insert Rocky or Karate Kid theme song here*

No pictures today, although I have been cooking. But my potato salmon chowder while delicious, is remarkably unphotogenic. I also made a smoked salmon and roasted broccoli quiche that I sliced up and froze, and a chicken enchilada casserole with beans, chicken, diced green chilies, corn tortillas, tomatos, cheese and frozen fajita veggies (sliced bell peppers and onions basically). My freezer is just about at bursting point! I am almost done using all the ingredients in the freezer, so now I am just making more room for additional stuff I need to freeze. I REALLY hope my new roommate isn't much of a freezer user for at least the first couple weeks until I start to clear stuff out (Sorry Ethan!). But on the bright side, I think I have counted somewhere between 30-40 servings of food packaged and frozen in 1-2 portion sizes and ready to keep me eating healthy and cheap for the next 5 weeks of rehearsals.

I also made a list of New Years goals - not resolutions because that term carries to much of a loaded ideal behind it that if you make a mistake you have failed and you might as well just quit. But I made a list of 11 goals I would like to strive for in 2011 to help me with my health, fitness and financial well being

11 in '11:

1. Eat out no more than 3 meals a week - Financially I can budget for this, and being realistic on my time issues this allows for some wiggle room
2. Exercise at least 3 days a week - I have made a fitness plan for the first 30 days and then can reevaluate after that
3. Write in my journal daily, even if it is just a sentence - I got this inspiration from the Own Your Beauty project, journaling makes me feel so much better throughout the day
4. Become more skilled at my tarot readings - I have been doing tarot off and on for 11 years and I find it a great meditation tool, but I want to learn more and get more intuitive
5. Attend at least 1 support group meeting a week (in person or online)
6. Create a realistic budget and stick to it - I signed up for Mint.com and created a budget and activated my savings account again. Learning to live within my means!
7. Put some money in savings every month - Even if it is $5, I want to get in the habit of saving money so I have a little cushion when unexpected things come up
8. Set up an Etsy shop for my knitting/crochet - This is one I am going to tackle later in the year. I love knitting and crocheting and I think I could find a niche with my felted bags that would make a little extra money and give me another creative outlet.
9. Wash my face every night - Form the habit for healthier skin while I am still relatively young
10. Do laundry every 2 weeks - I get busy and tend to put this off for a month since I have to take my clothes to a laundromat and then it takes me 4 hours to get EVERYTHING done.
11. Work a professional theatre summer job - My first chance to really break into my chosen profession and get a taste of what it it like. This was my plan anyway, but putting it down means I can't make excuses and work in an office instead.

I think these are realistic goals that combined will help continue to move me forward in my quest for a healthier, well rounded life. I don't like the idea of wiping the slate clean and starting from scratch every New Year. I feel like it should just be continuing to build on the foundation you have already laid. Cheers to a healthy 2011!

Food and portions and stuff

So I packed my food for work today. After having a panic attack over how much money I spent on eating out during finals week ($10-$15 a day, seriously more than 50% of my weekly income was being spent on Subway, McAllister’s and Mad Batter) I decided that during break I will do LOTS of cooking, pack my food when I am working, and freeze a ton of stuff to be ready for the insanity that is going to be January 9th – February 12th (first day of rehearsals through closing night of Reasons To Be Pretty) (I should stop using parenthesis so much…but I like them…don’t judge me, I’m a theatre major not an English major)

ANYWAY…………………

So I packed some of my leftover curried lentils and brown rice for lunch today. I also packed a slice of fresh baked bread, 2 clementine oranges, package of miso soup mix, a string cheese, and an apple. I figured all that would cover me for lunch and afternoon snacks. But seriously, I think I grossly overestimate how much food I need in a day. I ate about 3/4 of the lentils and rice, the bread and the clementines and a Christmas cookie that a coworker had brought in and didn’t touch the soup, cheese or apple. It’s like, I pack every day on the off chance I am chosen to join an expedition to climb Everest and all I will have to eat is what is in my lunch bag. PLUS the tupperware I pack my leftovers in holds 3 cups and of course I feel the need to fill it full. That means I packed around 1.5 cups of lentils and 1.5 cups of rice. I mean, no wonder by 3/4 of the way through I felt like I was going to burst with curried goodness! I’m thinking maybe I need to downgrade to a 2 cup tupperware container for leftovers for a more reasonable serving size so I don’t have a curried food baby after lunch.

So, lesson of today boys and girls – you will NOT starve, or be chosen to cater a mountain climbing expedition on the contents of your sack lunch, so pack for a single meal and not a week.

ALSO! I got my Christmas packages from my mom today. Although I left the wrapped presents until Saturday (if I can hold out) I did open a box of Trader Joe’s goodies that I am SUPER excited about. My closest TJ’s is 2 hours away an I haven’t had a functioning car for almost 3 months so getting awesome care packages from across the country always makes my day. Behold the stash!Trader Joe’s miso soup and dried peaches are probably two of my favorite things in the entire world…right up there with world peace and pillows stuffed with bunnies.

Food Inc. - My mini review

So I have seen the movie Food Inc. about 10 times. I love it, I agree with it, and I watch it every now and then just to remind me why need to make the right choices in my food every day. HOWEVER - there is one part of the movie as I am watching it right now that is really bothering me. This is the part where the family is going through the drive through and spending about $12 on lunch for the family of 5, and then they go to the grocery store and talk about the prices for healthy foods there. While at the grocery store they are walking around saying $1.29/lb for broccoli and $0.99/lb for pears is just too expensive and they can't afford to eat healthy when candy and chips and soda are the same price or cheaper.

This is where I feel like some personal responsibility and healthy choices HAVE to come into play! Yes, I could get more calories worth of candy for $1 than I can get of fruit. But if I am eating a $0.50 pear compared to a $0.50 candy bar as a snack it is a healthier choice for the same price! No one is telling you to buy soda instead of, what, water? When I am on a $30/week food budget I know that spending $3 on a bag of lentils and a bag of rice is going to feed me longer, healthier, and more satisfying than a $3 bag of chips, or choosing a $2 carton of eggs instead of a $4 frozen pizza, that is about taking personal responsibility for my shopping choices.

I fully believe that the food industry is broken, sick, twisted, uses deceptive marketing tactics to get us to desire their artificially manufactured crap and is a major contributor to obesity and diabetes in our society. I think that the ridiculous increase in obesity over the past 50 years that goes hand in hand with the ridiculous new food creations that go further and further away from natural can't all be laid on willpower or personal failing. But, to say that you just CAN'T buy fruit because candy is cheaper just seems like a real cop out to me.